Dear The Right Honourable Kemi Badenoch

I hope this letter meets you in the same unwavering confidence with which you deliver your party’s latest grand vision for immigration reforms. Your recent video was nothing short of a cinematic masterpiece. If Michael Bay ever decides to direct a political thriller on border control, I believe you’ve just auditioned for the lead role, and your chances of getting the role are high given your outstanding performance.

Your eloquent insistence that your party will “take back control” of immigration was particularly moving. You deserve a special place in heaven for the plan to make it take a whopping fifteen years for an immigrant to become a Briton.

I also admire your sheer creativity to keep finding new ways to “fix” a system your own party was in charge of for years. It’s almost as if you’re trying to save us from a problem that, mysteriously, seems to have worsened under your watch. How thrilling!

I must also commend your bold use of the phrase ‘cracking down on abuse’—a term so elastic it can cover everything from stopping human traffickers (fair enough) to making it harder for doctors, carers, and engineers to come here and contribute to an economy already gasping for breath. Genius, really. It takes true vision to frame economic self-sabotage as patriotic duty.

Your recent video was a tour de force of conviction, selective memory, and good old-fashioned fear-mongering. It’s truly inspiring to see a government so passionately devoted to solving problems of its own creation—like a firefighter who spends years setting blazes and then proudly announces a new initiative to put them out.

You deserve seven gbosas for your promise to “take back control” of immigration; it was particularly stirring and if I had your forwarding address, I would have delivered bouquet of flowers to your doorstep. It almost felt like I had traveled back in time to 2016, when similar slogans were being thrown around with the same level of enthusiasm and the same lack of tangible results. But no matter! I admire your party’s dedication to keeping the illusion alive. In many ways, this new plan is like a reboot of an old franchise—slightly different special effects, but the same tired plot.

I was also struck by your impassioned pledge to “crack down on abuse.” A noble aim, of course. But forgive my curiosity: what kind of “abuse” are we talking about here? The kind where asylum seekers, fleeing war and persecution, dare to ask for refuge in a country that signed international agreements to protect them? Or perhaps the “abuse” of students who come here to study, pay extortionate fees, and contribute billions to the economy only to be told they’re no longer welcome once they’ve served their financial purpose?

And then, of course, there’s the ever-popular crackdown on low-skilled migrants—a phrase so wonderfully vague that it can be stretched to fit whatever target your party chooses next. It’s always fascinating to see how “low-skilled” suddenly seems to mean anyone who does an essential job. NHS nurses? Care workers? Hospitality staff? Lorry drivers? Builders? All apparently too unskilled to warrant a place in Britain, despite the country grinding to a halt without them. I can only assume that if we apply this logic consistently, MPs with no real-world experience beyond political internships might also be classified as “low-skilled” and asked to leave?

Naturally, though, I’m sure these new restrictions won’t apply to all migrants. Those with offshore bank accounts, inherited wealth, or a penchant for making generous donations to certain political parties will, of course, remain free to come and go as they please. After all, we wouldn’t want to discourage all immigration—just the kind that involves people actually working for a living.

What I find particularly masterful about your messaging is the way it seamlessly blends crisis and control. On one hand, we are told that immigration is out of control, a dire emergency requiring immediate, drastic action. On the other, your government insists that it is in command, making bold and effective decisions. Which is it, I wonder? Either you are in control, and this crisis is manufactured for political gain, or you are not in control, in which case—after 14 years in power—whose fault is that, exactly?

It is a marvel to watch the same party that has presided over record migration levels now posing as the heroic force determined to fix it. It’s almost as if immigration is not actually the problem, but rather a convenient distraction from other pressing matters—failing public services, a stagnant economy, and a government running out of ideas beyond blaming others.

I must ask, though—will the new laws include an exemption for those who arrive via private jets, offshore bank accounts, or lucrative party donations? Surely, we mustn’t discourage all migration. After all, someone has to keep the capital flowing while we close the doors to, say, the actual workforce.

Your party has consistently managed to weaponize immigration whenever politically convenient, to pit people against each other, and to shift blame for your own policy failures. That takes skill. Not useful skill, mind you—certainly not the kind of skill we’d allow immigrants to enter the country for—but a skill nonetheless.

I also appreciate your remarkable ability to deflect critique with the grace of a seasoned fencer. I write to you as a humble citizen, bewildered and awestruck by your boundless energy in tackling the real issues of our time, namely, the scourge of wokeness and the dangerous proliferation of historical accuracy.

Your recent speech condemning those radicals who insist on viewing Britain’s history as anything but a cheerful tapestry of benevolence was a masterstroke. Who needs nuance when one can simply declare that colonialism was a necessary side hustle for a developing empire? Your gift for transforming the past into a Disney-esque fable is unparalleled.

As your career inevitably ascends to the peerage (for what Tory firebrand does not eventually find solace in the House of Lords?), I hope you will take a moment to reflect on your contributions. Perhaps you will smile as you recall the day you boldly declared that institutional racism is a fantasy concocted by malcontents. Maybe you will chuckle at the time you heroically defended the right of Britain to never, ever apologise.

But should a flicker of doubt creep in on whether or not your legacy will be remembered with admiration or incredulity, fear not. History, after all, is just a matter of perspective. And thanks to you, we now know which perspective truly matters.

Finally, I would like to extend my deepest admiration for your party’s ability to turn a crisis of your own making into a never-ending campaign slogan. The sheer resilience! The commitment! One might almost call it… ironic. But irony, much like compassion, does seem to be in short supply these days.

Looking forward to the next episode of Tough on Immigration, Soft on Solutions, which you are professionally producing, directing and presenting.

Yours (somewhat amused, mostly exasperated),
A Concerned Citizen.